


Bisexual?

by josephina_x



Series: Threesome??? Uh, -no- [2]
Category: Smallville
Genre: (mostly anyway), (warning: Lex gives up at the end), Canon Sexuality, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Gen, LGBTQ Themes, offscreen sex, rated for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-10
Updated: 2013-12-10
Packaged: 2018-01-04 06:12:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1077563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/josephina_x/pseuds/josephina_x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lex has come to find that he likes being surrounded by lots of nice men. And that Lana doesn't like it when he's surrounded by lots of nice men. And that Clark will still let him crash on his couch overnight, even though they're supposed to be enemies now.</p><p>And that Chloe needs to <i>die in a fire</i>. (He really should've taken care of that one awhile ago.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bisexual?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ArghressivePirate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArghressivePirate/gifts), [eccentricallypeculiar](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=eccentricallypeculiar).



> Title: Bisexual?  
> Author: [josephina_x](http://josephina-x.livejournal.com)  
> Fandom: Smallville  
> Pairing: Lexana, LOLiver, Clark + Lex  
> Rating: R (for language)  
> Spoilers: up to and including 6x04; general for season 6  
> Word count: 14,500+  
> Summary: Lex has come to find that he likes being surrounded by lots of nice men. And that Lana doesn't like it when he's surrounded by lots of nice men. And that Clark will still let him crash on his couch overnight, even though they're supposed to be enemies now.
> 
> And that Chloe needs to _die in a fire_. (He really should've taken care of that one awhile ago.)  
>  Warnings: Un-beta'd. Overutilization of italics.  
> Disclaimer: Not mine, not-for-profit.  
> Comments: Yes, please! :)  
> Author's Note: Yes, I know that "The Thing That Shall Not Be Named" was supposed to be a one-off, but apparently it wasn't. ~~(Assuming that I finish this fic and post it, anyway. Woohoo?)~~
> 
> So, in case you didn't know this about me: I am a Lexana fan. Or, well, perhaps I should be more specific: I _was_ a Lexana fan _until Lionel broke it_. (Bastard.) I do love me some evil!Lana in the later seasons, getting her comeuppance, but damn if I don't love me some mid-series fix-it fic for these two assholes, too. *nods once decisively*
> 
> Also, I am convinced that fake!baby was really Lionel's fault all along, forever and ever, world without end, amen; this is my headcanon and I'm sticking to it. *sticks fingers in ears* La-la-la, can't hear you, la-la-la. (Not that this little factoid has anything at all to do with this fic. Nope, nope, nope.)
> 
> Written to completion over the course of this weekend because I am apparently incapable of sitting down, shutting up, and getting my own goddamn work done on time. (What is wrong with me, you ask? I don't even know anymore...)

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hey."

Lex turned, blinking. "Hello," he said, sipping at his champagne glass.

"So, enjoying the gala?" the man who had approached him asked him.

Lex cocked his head and frowned at the man slightly, more in simple confusion than anything else. "Charity balls do tend to be less tedious than corporate affairs," he admitted neutrally.

The man laughed lightly, and said, with a smile, "Oh, I hear you."

Lex smiled back, feeling an odd sense of... "I'm sorry, do I know you?" he had to ask, curiously. Because he could swear he didn't, but something about the whole situation struck him as vaguely familiar. And the man was _acting_ as if he knew him, almost, but--

"Oh, sorry -- Craig Christoffson," the man said, holding out a hand.

"Lex Luthor," Lex said, taking his hand and shaking it, then letting go. Nothing too odd there.

"Good to meet you, Lex," the man smiled at him, taking a step closer and lightly nudging him in the arm with his elbow.

Except that this somewhat-tall, reasonably-buff yet lean, brown-haired man in a tux was acting almost _friendly_ , for some reason or another. Was this some kind of a prank?

Lex felt his eyebrows rise a bit, not really knowing what to make of this. He'd expected an 'oh, I know,' and an obsequious laugh, or something similar -- because who hadn't heard of the Luthors of Metropolis? But the man's response had seemed almost natural, not offensive in the slightest. And as far as Lex could tell from the man's demeanor, he wasn't being _made fun of_ , but...

"So, why are you here tonight?" Lex asked him, taking another sip of champagne. "Did you come with someone?"

"Nope," the man said with a chuckle and a headshake. "I came stag tonight. You?"

Lex smirked and glanced over at Lana, who was chatting with a few of the other high society wives and significant-others.

"Oh, yeah," the man said, following Lex's gaze and looking her over, in a very cursory manner. Not dismissively, not lingering, just... noticing and noting and filing away. No challenge in it at all. It was... refreshing.

The man -- Craig -- glanced back to Lex. "That's right; I think I heard something about that in the paper?"

 _Ah._ So he wasn't ignorant -- he knew full well who Lex was.

 _...We just hadn't ever met,_ Lex realized as he rethought the man's earlier phrasing.

"The tabloids can be a bit annoying at times," Lex admitted, not as harshly as he would have liked. He was in public, after all. Sort of. The last thing he needed was another rant of his ending up being plastered across the vast majority of the city's news media.

"That's too bad," Craig said sympathetically, which had Lex glancing back at him. He didn't really understand the look he was being given. It wasn't pity, but...

Lex mentally shook himself. "It could be worse," he said noncommitally, glancing away and trying to spot the reporters in the room, before looking back at Craig.

The man paused for a moment, then grinned. "I guess."

They made smalltalk for most of the rest of the night. It was actually kind of... nice.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"So, who was your friend?" Lana asked him, as he helped her with her coat at the mansion's entrance.

Lex blinked, because that was not a question he was normally asked. "Friend?"

Lana pulled out of her coat and gave Lex a curious look as he hung it up in the hallway for her. "The man you were talking with at the party? You seemed to strike up a good conversation with him."

"Oh," Lex frowned slightly. "Craig?"

"...Craig?"

He shook himself and smiled ruefully. "Craig, ah-- Christoffson."

"Sounds like he made an impression," Lana commented, glancing up at him.

Lex blinked. "I suppose," he admitted. "He seemed nice enough."

"Really," sad Lana. She bit her lip slightly, then trailed down the hallway towards the bedrooms.

"Yes," Lex admitted, as he walked alongside her and worked at his cufflinks. "I don't think I've had such a pleasant conversation at a Metropolis outing before," he told her, then mentally winced and added, "--except with you, that is."

Lana raised her eyebrows at him.

"What did you think of him?" Lana asked.

Lex frowned a little as he tried to assess. Could he even say 'mostly harmless'? No, that was probably rude.

He settled on, "Strange, but odd." Lana gave out a little laugh, and Lex smiled. And after a little more reflection, he added, thoughtfully, "But not in a bad way."

"Hmm," said Lana, as she opened the door to her room.

Lex blinked, then smiled, as Lana slowly wound a hand around his tie and tugged lightly, with a thin, wicked smile spreading across her face as he stared after her and his smile became a smirk.

Lex followed her lead, of course.

The door closed behind them.

~*~*~*~*~*~

It seemed that with Lana as his _permanent_ 'Lex girl', the opportunistic there-for-a-quick-fuck-and-diamond-earrings-on-the-side girls were staying well away from him. Not that he minded -- it made life much easier on him than it otherwise could have been.

And, as an unexpected side-effect of Lex's newfound 'taken' status, it was the eligible bachelors of the social crowd that seemed to gravitate towards him now, instead. Even more stunning, they seemed perfectly relaxed in his presence, with Lex no longer being competition for the unspoken-for ladies in the crowd. Or, at least this was Lex's reasoning for suddenly starting to find himself in veritable crowds of two or three other men -- or more -- at the high society gatherings and fundraisers that he and Lana frequented, from there on in.

It was... pleasant, to have other people to talk to who were nearly his own age. And they weren't the usual fawning syncophants or degenerate party animals, either. They seemed almost... well, _normal_ , if Lex had to put a label to it.

Oddly, his unexpected side effect had its own unexpected side effect on something else -- his relationship with Lana, of all things.

"Why are you hanging around with them?" Lana asked, sounding almost angry with him. She had rounded on him once he'd closed the bedroom door, just after they'd returned from another Saturday evening gathering.

Lex couldn't help but frown, confused, as he loosened his tie. "It's just at the society gatherings, Lana. I'm not... exactly hanging around with them during the week," he said, and this conversation felt really weird.

"So you don't see them anytime else," Lana said, looking at him carefully.

"Well, no," Lex said, then had to stop and say, "--Ah, no, wait. Christopher was at that picnic at the park we went to last week." That had been an outdoor concert, not exactly high society fare, so that probably didn't count as a society gathering even if it wasn't technically 'hanging out.'

He mentioned it only because he wasn't entirely sure Lana had seen him while he'd been purchasing drinks for both her and himself. Chris had only said hi in passing. They'd barely spent any time together at all; the line had moved quickly.

"Is there something wrong with 'hanging out with them' if I did?" Lex asked, and he'd meant it to sound rhetorical, even if it technically wasn't. Lionel had drilled it into him from an early age that he couldn't trust people, _especially_ the ones that seemed to have no motive, but the guys were just... the guys.

It wasn't as thought he was really doing anything wrong, was he? And it didn't seem to be hurting his company in any way; business was fine...

Lana's mouth turned down at the corners. "You talk with them all the time!" she... complained?

"You talk with the other women at those gatherings," Lex pointed out, his brow furrowing slightly.

"It's not the same thing!"

Lex opened his mouth to contradict her -- because how was it _not_ the same thing? -- but then stopped and thought the better of it. He didn't want to start a fight. And maybe he'd misunderstood something somewhere. ...Maybe she didn't like talking to the other women as much as he'd thought?

Yes, he supposed that might make sense; most of them were married, and not exactly as down-to-earth as Lana tended to be. Perhaps she didn't actually want to talk with them, and wanted to talk with other people. She'd certaintly expressed a lot of interest -- growing interest -- in his conversations with them, after every gathering since the first one where he'd met Craig.

 _Oh._ Could she be... jealous? --Did she want to strike up a conversation or two with the men, the bachelors who were their own age, but just not know how to go about it? Was she only not doing so on her own because she didn't want to set people's tongues wagging with stupid rumors about how they must be breaking up?

"I'm sorry," Lex said. "Do you want me to introduce you around?" If they talked with them together, with Lex acting as 'escort', that would solve the problem neatly, wouldn't it?

" _No!_ " Lana said, sounding shocked.

And now Lex was officially completely confused. He really did not understand what the problem was. 

"Lana, I like talking with them," Lex said carefully. "They're not business partners, or colleagues, or anyone I have to have dealings with. I feel like I can relax a little around them."

"Well, don't you like talking with me?" Lana asked, and it sounded almost like an accusation of some sort.

Lex blinked at her, feeling a little shocked.

"Of course I do!" Lex said. "We talk all the time."

"No, we don't."

Lex smiled, even though he felt a little frustrated. "Lana, aren't we talking right now?"

"No, we're fighting right now," she told him.

Lex felt a little unsettled, and the smile slipped off of his face. "We are?"

Lana shot him a glance that bore a striking resemblance to an annoyed glare, then looked at him for awhile, then sighed. Her shoulders slumped slightly and she turned away from him a little.

"Lana," Lex said, raising his hands to rest them on her shoulders, gently. He rubbed them back and forth lightly. "I really am sorry. I don't want you to feel... neglected." He searched about for a viable solution. "If you want to spend more time together at the city fundraisers, we can--"

Lana shrugged him off and stepped away, hugging herself. "It's not that, Lex..."

"Lana," Lex tried, reaching for her. She let him wrap his arms around her from behind, but not very willingly; she didn't lean into him. So she _was_ upset. "I work from the mansion, and we spend a lot of time together during the day, and at night. We talk a lot." He paused, mentally trying out 'and', 'but', 'so', 'therefore', before he decided on the tactful approach of leaving off all qualifiers preceding...

"I don't begrudge you spending time with other people," Lex said. "I mean, I don't mind if you go out and..." He struggled further with what he was trying to tell her.

He took a breath and tried again. "I like that you spend a lot of time with me," he told her. "But, I don't want you to feel like you _have_ to spend it with me, that you have to be with me every second..." he trailed off. "You should be around other people, too. --Not that I want you to... --I mean... That came out wrong," he frowned, and took a breath.

He tried again. "I like that you want to spend a lot of time with me, and I want to spend a lot of time with you, but..." His frustration rose as he struggled with words for something he didn't know _how_ to share, let alone identify properly.

"I don't really know what I'm trying to say," he told her finally, having to give up for the moment. His emotions, whatever he was feeling, were a tangled mess that he had really no idea how to explain.

...Well, not without sounding like a maniac or some flavor of axe murderer. He didn't want to lock her up and never let her go ever again, except he kind of did. ...Well, he _definitely_ wanted to never let go of her, ever again. Not unless she wanted him to. ...No, that wasn't quite right either. He didn't want her to feel totally obsessed with him like that! ...except he really kind of did. -- _God_ , this was frustrating.

Lana turned to face him, keeping herself in the loose cage of his arms, and stared up at him carefully.

"Lex," she asked, "why do you spend so much time with them?"

"Because they're pleasant to talk to and be around," Lex told her. At least _that_ was simple enough to explain. "I've spent most of my life not having male friends I could talk with about, well, _anything_ , even pure _nonsense_ things sometimes," like Bill's collection of ribbons, or Steve's predilection for all things horseshoe-related, "and not have to worry about being made fun of or teased for it, or having anything I say coming back to bite me later and... well, I think I actually like it," he admitted.

Because he did like it. He liked being around people who he felt like he could talk about Warrior Angel with; he had the impression that they were the kind of people who would listen to him _with interest_ , if for no other reason than because he, Lex, found the topic interesting -- and not just to humor him, either.

...Not that he did or ever _would_ talk about anything Warrior Angel with them, of course, but it was a pleasant diversion to be able to easily delude himself into believing that the opportunity existed for him, should he wish to take advantage of it at some point.

He paused for a moment. "You enjoy talking with Chloe and Lois, don't you?" he tried, because it was the closest comparison he could think of, even if 'the guys' weren't strictly what he would consider _friends_ , let alone reliable ones. Lana, Chloe, and Lois all had differing interests, and he was under the strong impression that they never made fun of each other for those differences. They seemed supportive of each other. "I guess it's a little like the relationship you have with them?"

Lana looked up at him, searchingly.

"Okay, Lex," she said finally. "Okay."

She placed her hands on his chest and raised herself up to kiss him; he kissed her back.

On the downside, Lex had a feeling that he was going to have to figure out some way to show Lana that he valued her more than anyone else, to put her mind at ease, hopefully without alienating his newfound talking partners in the process.

On the upside, the I'm-maybe-still-kind-of-angry-with-you sex they had later that night was spectacular.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Penny for your thoughts?" Lex was asked.

He turned away from the beautiful marble sculpture to glance at the not _quite_ as aesthetically-pleasing young man accosting him.

"Just taking in the sights," Lex said, tilting his head slightly. "You?"

"Oh, most definitely," the man said with a chuckle, and a slightly lecherous grin. Then he looked over at Lana and deliberately eyed her very appreciatively; no smirk, but the evaluation itself was more than enough to get the point across.

"She's taken," Lex informed him bruskly.

"Oh, really?" said the man.

"She's my girlfriend," Lex said a little more emphatically, which had the man turning his attention back to him.

"Really?" the man said in rising tones, and Lex felt vaguely stupid, because what was this, fifth grade? _'Girlfriend'? I couldn't come up with anything better than that?_ And he'd just labeled their relationship, when Lana hadn't even said anything yet. He shouldn't have done that. He was leaving it up to her; he'd promised himself to let _her_ set the pace, go at _her_ own speed, not his.

"Too bad," the man said. "Are you sure that just one is enough?" the man added while eyeing him up and down somewhat critically, and Lex had to fight the urge to deck the man, because he was perfectly capable of meeting Lana's needs on his own, thank you very much!

He was angry enough at the implied insult, in fact, that he discarded the idea of getting physically violent with the man, or having the guards show him out. No, he settled on a much more creative punishment, instead.

"Just one?" Lex echoed, then eyed the man up and down almost derisively, making it absolutely clear that the man just didn't make the cut, comparatively. He slid his hands into his pockets, took a step forward, eye-to-eye with the man and said, "Yes, too bad." He leaned in close, put his mouth next to the man's ear, and breathed out, " _For you._ "

Lex pulled back and smiled at him very, very smugly, almost lording it over him, letting the man draw his own conclusions about Lana's skillset in bed, and perhaps her desireableness even out of it, and what he would never, ever have...

The man turned a bright shade of embarrassed red. All-in-all, a quite spectacular blush, indeed.

And it served him right.

Lex felt very proud of himself. He'd defended Lana's honor, _and_ done so without any sort of kiss-and-tell that might make it into the papers.

"Lex!" he heard someone call out, approaching them, and he turned to see Craig and some of the guys entering the gallery room.

" _Craig_." Lex smiled happily, his just-concluded encounter half-forgotten already.

He completely missed the look of pained longing that the man who he'd just teased off gave him as he turned and walked away. He also didn't see the jealous look the man shot at Craig shortly after that.

But Lana didn't miss a thing.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hey, Lex."

"Luthor!"

Lex stifled a wince and slowly turned to face the two newcomers, with a plastered-on smile that felt far more artificial than it used to feel when he needed it.

"Oliver. Lane," he greeted them neutrally.

"So how's it hanging, big guy?" Lane said, chucking a fist at his upper arm. He took it about as gracefully as he dared: standing still and taking it 'like a man' without rocking back a millimeter.

"We are not friends," he informed her point-blank, not feeling at all amused at this unwelcome confrontation, even as Lane laughed at his response. He was with his _group_ (...when had they become his group?) and he wasn't supposed to have to put on such a polite _show_ for people when he was with them (...when had interacting with idiots at these gatherings become such a _chore_ instead of the status quo?) and frankly he wanted Oliver and his muffin-peddling bitch flavor-of-the-month to just _go away_.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Aw, c'mon, Luthor, don't be a hag -- introduce us!" Lois demanded with a grin, not put off by his 'go away' vibes at all.

And the big lug actually did so, with introductions all around: Craig, Joe, Steve, Brian, Bill, and two others who were a lot more forgettable to her, being not quite as eye-candy-licious as the others. He introduced Lois and Oliver with a lot more reticism, though -- Oliver, especially.

It was pretty clear that he (still) didn't like her boyfriend, and the other guys picked up on it. Luthor was at the edge of the group, weirdly, not the center, but they still managed to move in around him a bit closer, in a show of nonverbal support. _Us versus them. Wow. Luthor's got them well-trained._

"Nice harem you've got going on here," Lois acknowledged with a sort of bloody-minded glee. Because, man, if she'd seen Luthor hanging out with this crew before, she wouldn't have had to badger Ollie for the dirt on him! Bisexuals and queers, the lot of them.

Weirdly, a few of the guys seemed to huff at her in annoyance, while one or two others looked vaguely embarrassed.

"Oh, Lane," Lex said, smirking at her. "Jealousy really doesn't become you." Some of the guys in his group colored slightly, but Lex wasn't looking at them; he was wholly focused on her. He continued, more lightly, almost a tease, "Of course, if Oliver just isn't enough man for you..."

Oliver choked on his champagne.

 _Oh, **nice** , coming from you,_ Lois thought dryly. "Ollie's just fine, thanks," Lois told Luthor, eyeing him sidelong. "But hey, maybe somebody else would like to take you up on that offer?" she added lightly, because she could be passive-agressive-bitchy, too.

Lex's eyebrows rose slightly. "Oh, you misunderstand, Lane--" he purred out smoothly, clearly the beginning of some sort of 'in your dreams', or 'you wish' put-down.

But he was cut off by Lana sidling right up to him, under his left arm. "Lex, there you are!" she said, and when Lex looked down at her he got an almost soft smile and just about cradled her in close to his side.

 _Woah,_ Lois thought, because she had _not_ been prepared for _that_ shit.

And if some of the dreamy looks his harem of guys were giving the two lovebirds was any indication, neither were they.

"Lana, hi," Lex said quietly, then seemed to get a startled look. "Oh, ah--" he said, turning towards his posse.

"The illustrious Lana Lang!" one of the guys at the far end said in greeting.

"Clide," one of the others chided, "Be nice." But the dry insults seemed to completely fly over Luthor's bald head.

"Lana," Luthor began, looking back at her, then raising a hand in what looked like the beginning of a sweeping gesture, "these are--"

"--I know who they are," Lana cut in with a thin not-quite cheerful smile, which left Luthor blinking and slowly lowering his hand.

 _Okay..._ Lois thought, wheels turning. _Lex had been trying to keep them separate? And Lex just tried to introduce his girl to his--_ It made Lois' brain hurt. _Idiot._

"Oh, yes, nice to see you again, Lana," Harem guy #1 -- Craig -- said to her from where he was standing, directly to Lex's right.

"Lana," said Steve, Harem guy #2, at Craig's right.

"Nice to see you too, Craig," she nodded at him once, barely a hello. "Steve," she gave a flat stare, and got one in return.

Lois watched Lex turn to look at Craig, then look back down at Lana, then glance at Steve for a moment, and his brow furrowed slightly. _Why are you acting so confused?_ Lois wondered, watching them with intent.

And Luthor, honest-to-god, opened his mouth and looked about to ask the age-old question of, 'You know each other?' when Ollie interrupted with, "Y'know, I'm not surprised that you're at it again. Tall, brunette, and leggy is the thing you like to surround yourself with, isn't it?"

 _Ouch._ Even Lois had to wince at that one, because _Lex girls_ , sure, but Lana was standing _right there_ , sheesh. And 'surround himself with'? Lois had half a mind to elbow Ollie for that one -- and did.

But Luthor, ever the smooth operator, just closed his mouth and got a faint frown.

He looked down at Lana, who looked back up at him, mostly-expressionless at Ollie's implied insult.

He glanced up at Lois, and was clearly trying to hide a wince. She shifted her weight to one side, hip jutting out, and crossed her arms. _Yeah, I'm a brunette, so what?_

And then he turned to look at the group of tall, brunette, drop-dead gorgeous ( _sorry, Ollie_ ) guys that were apparently Lex's normal harem these days, and...

Well, that was weird. He wasn't surveying the color of people's hair. He was making _eye contact_ with them. ...Like he was trying to ask them what the hell was going on.

He turned back to Oliver and said, with a faint air of confusion, "Lana isn't that tall..."

Then Lex looked down at Lana and said, "Not that that's a bad thing."

Lana looked up at him and gave him an 'I'm humoring you, but only because I put up with you for reasons' smile.

"And I wouldn't touch **Lane** with a--" Luthor continued, in a tone that had Lane wanting to toss something not too breakable at his head. Like a handy muffin. _Too bad we're not in the Talon right now..._

"--I think he meant all of _us_ ," Steve put out there, eyeing Ollie in a not-so-friendly way, crossing his arms.

Lex glanced over at his harem, brow furrowed, as though the thought honestly had not occurred to him.

"But Bill doesn't have brown hair," said Joe, sounding confused.

They all turned and looked at Bill, who had blonde hair. It was a little like Ollie's, only lighter.

"I, uh, dye it," Bill admitted, "myself," almost shamefully, his shoulders dropping a little as he just about wilted in place under the intense scrutiny.

"Well, yes, but it suits you," Luthor told Bill smoothly (...consolingly? supportively?) "You like it that way, don't you?" and then the other guys chimed in with a ragged chorus of 'yeah, yeah, looks nice.' And after the guy got a few compliments on his nice hair and a light backslap or two, he straightened back up again, blushing slightly at the unexpected (but well-deserved, dying hair to look that natural was fucking _hard_ ) praise. He ran his hands through his hair -- in what looked like a natural, normal gesture for the guy -- and smiled at them all happily.

Lois, meanwhile, found herself having to hold a hand over her mouth to hide the way she was biting her lip to keep from laughing outright, because Luthor? Bald as a newborn baby's buttcrack? Discussing how _nice_ somebody else's hair was? It was probably a good thing that she hadn't been drinking heavily yet, otherwise she'd probably be rolling around on the _floor_...

Oh _shit_ \-- why did Lana look so pissed off all of a sudden?

"I don't see why you're so obsessed with the company I keep these days, Oliver," Lex blithely told him in return.

Oliver looked about to say something really stupid in reply, so Lois cut in quickly with a question of her own. "Hey, Luthor," she said. "What do you think about bisexual sex?" she straight-up asked. _There._ Simple. Straightforward. _Let's see you squirm your way out of this one!_

"He's Catholic," Oliver said like it was a death sentence, pursing his lips and glancing away. Lois shot him a look and wanted to just smack him outright, because that would have been good to know earlier! It sure made a lot of the 'nobody talks about it' stuff make a lot more sense, and the fact that Luthor thought he could be more open about things with Lana as his beard. Unfortunately, it made her job at getting him to admit it lot harder, dammit. Catholics thought you burned in hell for that stuff. So Luthor would never admit to it, no matter what he got up to that didn't fit the faith.

And it wasn't like Lois ever would've guessed that one on her own because, hello, she'd heard about Luthor's track record, and _Catholic_ was the last thing that sprang to mind -- the bastard slept around even more than she did! ...Or _had_ slept around, assuming he really wasn't cheating on Lana with who-the-hell-knew that they didn't know about yet.

With the way the guys in his harem were practically panting after him, she doubted he was sexing it up with any of them, though, if he _was_ cheating on Lana -- not with the way Luthor kept stringing them along.

"Lapsed Catholic," Luthor corrected, which had Lois swiveling her head back to him to stare at him in incredulous amazement. She hadn't expected Luthor to take Ollie's aside seriously. "And I've never really understood why people get so upset about bisexuals, like anything they do is a carnal sin."

Oh, did he have everybody's attention in their little corner of the room now. "Say again?" Joe-the-confused-one asked.

Lex tilted his head, addressing Joe directly. "Well, anything a man can do with a man, or a woman a woman, can be done between a man and a woman with lips, fingers, teeth, and props, can't they?" he put forth with a faint smile. "As long as animals or adultry aren't involved, the Bible doesn't seem to have much to say about what happens behind closed doors between two lovers. Yes, there's a lot of 'man and wife' in there, but why does the gender of the parties involved suddenly have to matter so much to the church?" he said. "Why would God care, so long as there's love? We're supposed to be all New Testament, love one another, aren't we?" He smirked. "Besides, it's not like it's in the Commandments."

"...I definitely have never thought of you as religious, Luthor," Lois said, trying not to look as stunned as she felt, because how in god's name did he manage to make the freaking bible sound sexy? Not to mention thatLuthor's particular intterpretation was barely a step away from outright blasphemy, as far as she understood it. Some poor nun must be spinning in their grave, right now, along with several priests, and maybe an archbishop or two. _Smooth Luthor, real fucking smooth._

Luthor all but shrugged.

"Lapsed Catholic," he repeated, taking a sip of his champagne. "Should I be taking that as a compliment, coming from you?"

 _Oh, you sneaky bastard._ Lois frowned at him, and then nearly cursed out loud as she realized that because of how he'd worded things, the way that he'd said everything so far had put it at a remove from him. Anybody trying to quote him on any of it would be hard-pressed to make it sound like he was stating his own opinion. The only real 'opinion' he'd given at all so far was 'being confused about _people_ getting _that_ upset'. That didn't clarify what _he_ thought _at all_.

"Lane, I used to be part of the Club Zero crowd," Luthor said, shoving his hands in his pockets and making it sound like he was leveling with her. _As if._ "It'd be just as hypocritical of me to be thumping a bible about the various sins and evils of any kind of sex outside of marriage as it would be for _you_ to be doing the same," he added, rolling his eyes briefly and smiling at her like they were sharing some kind of joke.

"Y'know, none of that really says what _you_ actually _think_ about it," Lois tried, attempting to finally nail him down, or at least get a somewhat-straight answer out of him.

Luthor slowly lost his smile and his eyes narrowed slightly.

" _I think_ that it's none of my business," Luthor told her point-blank. "So long as no-one's getting hurt and it doesn't break the law, I don't see why I should care what other people do or don't do, especially when it has nothing to do with me."

"And when it _does_ have something to do with you?" Lois asked critically, because that last part had sounded awfully fishy to her.

Luthor went still, then took in a slow, deep breath and drew himself up stiffly before stating neutrally, "My company does not discriminate against employees, customers, or our suppliers or contractors, due to gender, race, ethnicity, age, religion, or sexual orientation. And we have a longstanding history to that effect," he informed her. "Did you need anything else, or would you like to have a talk with one of my secretaries during regular business hours for a few brochures?" he told her cooly.

"Ouch," said one of his harem, the Brian guy, while the blonde-haired Billy guy asked doubtfully, like something had just occurred to him, "Wait, is this the kind of stuff that you usually have to deal with at these things?"

Luthor's harem exchanged startled glances at Billy-boy's remark, and began looking a little too rowdy for her taste -- at least in this dress and high heels.

"Hey, jesus, don't bite my head off here!" Lois told them all -- primarily Luthor -- with her hands up in protest. "I was just curious, and I didn't get what you meant by the last bit. Wasn't looking for the company party line. Didn't know it wasn't a light topic in this group."

Luthor seemed to tense for a moment, decidedly _did not look at Oliver_ , then let out a long sigh, letting go of some of his earlier tension.

"Sorry," he said, then finished off his glass in one quick head-tilted-back gulp. "I've dealt with _reporters_ who were less abrasive than you, on that very same subject, recently." He seemed to be hard-pressed about something, then allowed, "I didn't mean to sound off on you."

"Eh, whatever," Lois waved off, for Lana's sake -- because she looked just about ready to shoot somebody right then. "Next time, just tell me to go to hell or whatever, instead, like anybody else, right?"

Lex gave her a look that on anybody else she'd read as either 'slightly taken aback' or 'vaguely worried', while the rest of the guys settled down again at her kind-of apology.

All except for Oliver. "So, show of hands for anybody who _does_ care: how many of you are bisexual or gay?" he asked with a devil-may-care smile.

 _Jesus Christ, Ollie!_ Lois turned to stare at him in shock, and, worse, it wasn't like he didn't already know!

He got a lot of flat stares.

A lot of the group quickly exchanged a few serious glances.

And then every guy in Luthor's harem turned and raised their hand, one by one, while staring right at Oliver. All of them.

Every single one except Luthor and Lana, and Luthor had turned to look at them in... surprise?

"Really?" Luthor said, blinking. Not shocked, just... as though he hadn't known.

Craig turned to look at him, hand still raised, and shrugged like it was no big deal.

Luthor got sort of a 'huh' look, and seemed to file it away, but without thinking anything of it. Like the way most people memorized other people's birthdays. _'Oh look, everybody here is a June. Imagine that.'_

Then Luthor turned back to Oliver. "Sorry, Ollie," he said sugarcoat-sweetly, as his harem lowered their hands again. "Were you looking for a particular sort of opinion on something?"

Oliver stared at Luthor.

Luthor was all wide, bared-teeth grin.

"No," said Oliver, and then he said lazily, like a challenge, or an insult, "I'm just not surprised that you don't care at all about--"

Lois saw Lex lose the aggressive grin, tense, set his jaw and then sharply move forward, eyes flashing and fists clenched. And then both Lana and Craig moved forward themselves just as fast, reaching out and grabbing one arm each, _dragging him back_ , and **holy shit--**

"Lex," Lana said quickly, warningly, pulling up beside him.

"Not worth it," Craig said calmly, like it really was not worth it.

And Lois stood there and watched Luthor make the wrong move.

Luthor turned _back towards Craig_ and looked at _him_ questioningly.

Craig let go of him and patted him on the shoulder, smiling, completely unperturbed.

And Luthor slowly relaxed.

As expected from this clusterfuck of a disaster, Lana gripped him that much tighter. "Lex, let's go," she told him tersely.

Luthor turned to look down at Lana, clearly confused and having no idea what he'd done wrong there, while Steve said, "Nah, I think 'Ollie' here is the one who should be leaving, right guys?"

He got a couple nods and murmurs of agreement, and a hell of a lot of closed-off body language was suddenly directed Ollie's way.

"Lex, we're _leaving_ ," Lana said, literally yanking his arm and nearly pulling him off-balance.

"Lana?" Luthor said, taking a sliding step back and recentering.

" _Now._ "

Luthor turned towards her and was about to say something -- hell, probably ask her what was wrong and why, he looked _that confused_ \-- then seemed to stop and check himself. He straightened and started to walk away with her, but then paused for just a moment.

He turned back and started to apologize to his harem (...friends?) for leaving so abruptly -- it was painfully clear that was what he'd intended to do from the expression he'd adopted -- but before he actually got a word out other than "I--," Lana yanked him along again, and, frowning in only slight consernation, Luthor's attention swiveled back her. He stopped what he was doing and followed along without another word.

Lois crossed her arms. "Well, that went well," she muttered sarcastically.

Oliver looked pleased with himself.

Lois was incensed.

She grabbed _his_ arm and told the guys with a plastered-on smile, "Would you excuse us for a minute?" and then bodily dragged Oliver off, gritting her teeth.

She got him into a corner alcove away from everybody else before turning around and letting go of him.

Ollie looked amused. "What?" he smiled at her.

Lois punched him in the arm. Hard.

"Ow!" Oliver complained, wincing away from her. "What was that for?"

"What do you mean, 'what was that'--?" _Argh!_ God, she was gonna strangle him for being an idiot. "What did you think you were doing!?" Lois demanded, poking him in the chest.

"I was helping you," Ollie had the nerve to say.

"No, you weren't," Lois told him angrily. "You were being offensive."

"Oh, like you weren't, too," he had the audacity to tell her.

"No! I wasn't!" Lois said. "Because I actually don't have a problem with gay people, all right? But you-- you sure as hell sounded like you did," she said, biting at her thumbnail as she paced back and forth.

"I... what?" Ollie said, his amusement dropping as he started to get serious. "Hey, I don't really think about that stuff, Lois," he said, half-plea, half-apology, and Lois turned back to face him when he reached out for her arms. "Look, you were trying to get a reaction out of him, right? I was just trying to get those guys to see him for what he is, and, look, he didn't raise his hand with the rest of them, right?" Ollie said. "They're gonna know that he was lying to them. He won't 'fess up."

"God, Lana is probably freaking the fuck out," Lois said, stuffing a hand in her pocket and pulling out her phone. "She's not gonna think that Luthor was looking to that Craig guy because _he_ was one of the ones you were offending _along with_ Luthor," Lois told him as she started tapping out an SOS to Chloe. "She's gonna think that Luthor was looking to him because he listens to that guy more than her."

"And you don't think he does?" Oliver said, and Lois stopped mid-text.

"What?" Lois said, looking up at him.

Oliver shook his head. "Lex gets obsessive about shit. People, and shit. And when they don't do what he wants, well..." He clenched his jaw and looked away. "There's a reason he doesn't have any friends," he told her.

"...except for those guys," Lois said slowly, eyes narrowing in thought. _I wonder why..._

It couldn't just be all about the sex, could it? If they were just lusting after Luthor... it had been weeks, now. Shouldn't there have been at least a little infighting going on? They'd been hanging around him for weeks.

...or _he'd_ been hanging around _them_. Damn.

"Lois?" Oliver said uncomfortably as she straightened, the vague start of an idea forming.

"Something's up," she said, putting away her phone for the moment and glancing back over at the group.

"What's up?" Oliver asked, but Lois only half-heard him.

Because _Luthor_ hadn't been the center of attention; _he'd_ been at the _fringes_. Included and obviously welcomed, but not... _what?_

" _Shit._ "

"What?" said Ollie.

"Or he doesn't actually know," Lois said, now starting to feel worried.

"What?" And quick on the uptake, "Lois--" Oliver said, sounding half-amused.

"Oh, c'mon Ollie," she said. "Weren't you paying attention at all?" Damn, it was all so obvious in hindsight. "The way they were treating him, the way Luthor was acting. Either Luthor's up for an Emmy this year, or he has no freaking clue." She put a hand to her forehead and started pacing again. "God, no wonder Lana's all freaked out and paranoid. She probably thinks that if Luthor hangs out with them enough, he's gonna realize he's bi himself and want to figure things out."

"So?"

Lois turned, planted her hands on her hips, and gave him a _look_. "Ten times out of ten 'wanting to figure things out' means cheating on the girl, or breaking up with her, Ollie," she informed him.

"Well, she's your friend," Ollie told her, crossing his own arms casually and leaning back against the wall. "Shouldn't you want what's best for her? Believe me, she's better off without him."

"You don't have to tell _me_ that," Lois groused in perfect agreement, "but that's not gonna make it any easier on _Lana_ , especially if _he_ dumps _her_ for some **guy**." she took in a short breath. "She loves him," Lois explained, trying not to wince too hard. " _She_ needs to be the one breaking up with him, _not_ the other way around."

Oliver stared at her for a while as she paced.

"You really think he hasn't cheated on her yet," Ollie said slowly.

"My cousin's on it," Lois told him, "and I've been keeping track of the Smallville rumor mill, so. Yeah. Yeah, we're pretty sure." Lois told him, running a hand through her hair and blowing out a breath. "Believe me, it'd be a lot easier on everybody if he already had. Simple."

"No kidding," Ollie muttered.

"Well, I guess I'd better go and try to confirm my theory, before I accidentally go off and do something stupid," Lois told him. She took in a deep cleansing breath. In, and out. "Stay over here, Ollie, okay?"

_Because I may not know what's happening for sure, not yet. And that's fine. But I'm going to find out._

She stomped her way back over to the group of guys, who were still milling around, grabbing up a new glass of something alcoholic off of some poor server's tray as she went.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Lois was nearly in tears by the time she made it back to meet up with Oliver at the end of the night.

Tears of _laughing her ass off_.

But not exactly in the good way.

"They think he's some kind of _romantic_ ," she told Oliver, trying not to lose it laughing as she reached for the good stuff in the limo. "Luthor! A romantic! Hah!" She poured herself a tumbler of vodka, with two cubes of ice, and fell back into the seats lining the back of the limo.

"It is pretty funny," Oliver smiled at her thinly.

"The guys 'just _know_ ' that he and Lana are two happy happy lovey-dovey lovebirds -- at least when Lana's apparently not being a huge bitch about him hanging out with them at all the parties," she snorted, "--and they're all hoping and pining away for the threesome thing. Or twelvesome. 'Cause there were apparently three of 'em who weren't there tonight, and they're all really optimistic, or something, about them being all 'share the love' after the initial wide-eyed puppy love or something, and-- I just, I dunno anymore," she waved her glass around, biting her lip and trying desperately not to laugh, because _there_ was a picture for the history books.

"Uh," said Oliver.

Until she couldn't help it anymore. Picturing them all in one big pile, freaking _braiding each others' hair_.

"He _really does_ ," she giggled over a glass of vodka, "He really, really does have a harem! _Of guys!_ And Lana is top bitch and doesn't want to _share_."

"Um."

"And the poor bastard doesn't even really _know_ ," Lois declared, cackling, as she slumped down on the seats on her side of the limo. "Ohhhh, god," she said with a smile, placing her tumbler of ice-and-alcohol on to of her forehead as she stared up at the roof of the stretch car, then closed her eyes. "This is gonna be a nightmare."

"Uh, Lois?"

"Mm?"

"I think maybe you've had enough to drink for tonight," she heard Ollie tell her, as he reached for her glass.

"Pssh," said Lois, trying to wave him away. "Barely even got started." Because if she'd been able to drink with the best of the guys and not lose it laughing her ass off inside, she wasn't _really_ drunk _yet_.

Oliver was persistent, though. And she would have fought him off, really, but she was mostly a tangle of arms and legs at that point, and so was he after she got done with him, all over the floor.

"And-- and you know what the worst part is?" Lois declared after Oliver had finished untangling himself from her and getting her out of the limo and was helping her stagger into his building. "The worst part is, the guys are so _nice_ ," she said, laying her head on his shoulder. "Luthor totally doesn't deserve any of them," she said sadly, poking a finger at Ollie's bicep. "He's a heartbreaker. He's gonna break everybody's hearts. Such a _bastard_ ," she glowered, swinging a fist out at an imaginary Luthor-boy, to take a whack at him prematurely for upcoming offenses.

"Uh huh," Ollie said, and he helped her into the elevator.

"Why are all the guys who like guys so nice?" Lois asked. "And everybody else assholes? --Except for you, silly," she added, giggling into his shoulder. " _You're_ not an asshole. You're nice sometimes, too."

"Thanks," Ollie said dryly, as he opened the door to his apartment.

"But why are they so nice?" Lois asked again, pressing up against him.

"No idea," Ollie told her, as he helped her over to a couch.

"Mm," said Lois, as she lay down on it. "Maybe somebody should look into that."

And then she fell asleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"You are not seeing them anymore!" Lana declared, as they passed the threshold of their bedroom that night.

" _Gladly_ ," Lex spat out. "Just let me know what gatherings Lois and her slut will be at and I'll avoid--"

Lana turned on him, shocked. "I wasn't talking about Oliver and Lois!" she exclaimed.

Lex felt disconnected from reality for a moment.

"Lana," he began carefully. "You are okay with me having fights with people I despise, and arguments with people I can barely stand most days," he said, "but you don't want me to spend time being around people who don't make me want to set them on fire? Is that what you are telling me?" he asked her.

"You almost got with a fistfight with Oliver Queen because--"

"--Because he is a prejudiced ass who was trying to start a fight!" Lex told her, yanking off his tie and tossing it aside. "If I didn't do it--" He shook his head. "Oliver's a _bully_. He has been since Excelsior; always has been, always will be. He doesn't _just stop_. Not unless someone _makes_ him stop." Lex took in a breath.

"And if one of the others had been the one to step in, he would have ended them, one way or the other," Lex told her, as he tossed his coat on a chair and started attacking his cufflinks. "His lawyers would have been all over them. They wouldn't be able to work in this state again, with nobody wanting to risk having as an employee someone the head of Queen Industries _doesn't like_." None of the guys were business partners of Lex's, and couldn't be -- not in the fields they were in. Hell, some of them didn't even own their own businesses; they worked for other people. And that was actually part of the appeal of talking with them; he didn't have to talk or worry about business with them, ever. _But._ That also meant...

Lex gritted his teeth. "None of them are at a level on-par with Queen, to survive the fallout of something like that. I don't have that problem. It had to be me," he told Lana.

"Except, Lex, Oliver wouldn't have picked a fight with them if you hadn't been there," Lana told him, and Lex almost saw starbursts of pain behind his eyelids.

He tried not to sway in place. _It wasn't my fault,_ he told himself. _It **wasn't**._ "He would have done it anyway," he told Lana, opening his eyes and looking down at her. "It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I had only talked with them once, or never talked with them at all in the first place. _That's what Oliver does._ He picks fights with people who can't fight back," he told her, trying not to shake. At least he'd been able to keep his voice level.

"I still don't want you talking with them anymore," Lana insisted. "Promise me!"

" _Why?_ " Lex asked her, feeling aggrieved. "Why do you not want me to be around them?" Then he got an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Do you have something against gay men?" he asked, feeling the stirrings of horror, because, no, that couldn't be, Lana wasn't the kind of person who could hate--

"No, Lex," Lana told him, but his relief was short-lived. "But I don't want you hanging out with them."

"It won't hurt the business," Lex told her. "It's not like my reputation will suffer in any way," he told her. "Or yours by extension," he assured her. "This is Kansas, not the deep south. It doesn't matter that--"

"That's not the problem!" Lana yelled at him, and Lex took a step back.

And now, now he started to get angry, frustration bleeding over into something darker. "Then what is the problem?" he demanded of her. "Why do I have to stop seeing them?!"

" _Because you won't stop flirting with them!_ " Lana yelled at him, and Lex froze.

"...What?" Lex said faintly, because he could not possibly have heard her right.

But she was close to tears, hugging herself, and-- "You won't stop flirting with them," she told him. "I've seen you with them, and..."

Lex was shaking his head, again and again, because _this made no sense_. "Lana, I'm not flirting with--"

"I saw you!" she told him. "At the gallery!"

"Wh--" Then it hit Lex in the head like a ton of bricks and he paled. "That wasn't--" He paled as he rethought his encounter with... "I didn't mean it like that!" he told her, raising his hands in defense and feeling outright horrified. "I was trying to keep that man from-- from walking over and flirting with _you!_ " he told her. "I was trying to get him to leave on his own --and it worked!"

"And what about _Craig_ ," she said, sounding bloody-minded for some reason.

"What about him," Lex said blankly, because Craig was the least offensive individual known to man, honestly. If anybody was smart enough to make him an ambassador to the Middle East, he'd probably have half the nations out there singing Kumbaya around a campfire together within a week.

Lana looked frustrated as all get-out. "Craig and Joe and Steve and-- the gallery wasn't the first time, Lex!" Lana said, and Lex felt almost dizzy at the thought as he finally caught on to what she was implying.

"I'm not flirting with them, Lana," Lex said, because surely, he'd know if he was, wouldn't he? "We just talk," he told her, stepping towards her, palms upraised. "That's all we do, is talk."

But Lana took a step away from him. "But you _do_ flirt with them, Lex," she insisted. "And they do want more."

Lex frowned in utter confusion. "More what?"

Lana gave him a look like he was an idiot. "What do you think, Lex?" she said bitterly.

"I think you're going to have to spell it out for me, Lana," he said, massaging his temples.

Lana took in a breath through her nose, then spat out, "Sex. With you."

Lex stared at her.

"They want sex with you," she repeated.

Lex squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, then looked at her. "What?"

"They've even got a list," Lana told him. "Diagrams of days of the week; how they'd share you, if and when you said yes," Lana said, hugging herself and looking almost ill.

Lex put a palm to his temple and tried, really hard, to think this one through.

Then something occurred to him. The guys. Were all either gay or bisexual. And/So/But/Therefore they... wanted to have sex with him? (Why? Just, _why?_ He wasn't... handsome, or anything. Hell, he was _bald_ , for chrissake. Practically _deformed_. So why...)

"Were you on that list, too?" Lex asked, because it wasn't as though any one of them had ever tried to do something to break them up...

Lana colored darkly, then looked away. "Not anymore," she said, and Lex winced.

 _Right. Probably happened at the same time as when Lana 'met' them, whatever time that happened when I wasn't around,_ Lex thought faintly.

But what he did was put a hand to his forehead, and what he said was a pained, "Dammit, Bill."

Lana's eyes went wide. " _You knew?!?!?_ " she accused him.

"What?!" Lex said, his head coming up as he dropped his hand. "--No!" he objected. "It's just-- It sounds like something that Bill would do," Lex told her. Probably color-coded it and everything. "He's an accountant, and... he just thinks like that," he ended lamely, because trying to explain would involve several conversations worth of Lex having gotten to know him, and his hobbies, which were albeit a little weird, but not _planning several minor orgies_ weird. ...Oh hell, was three people even an orgy? Or just a threesome?

...And then Lex's mind went to a very bad place.

"I. Am going to kill. Chloe." he informed Lana darkly, jaw and fists clenched both.

"--What?" she said, her head coming up, startled.

"This _whole thing_ ," Lex said thinly. "It started with _her_ , didn't it." He looked over at Lana. "That thing about a threesome with _Clark_ \--"

" _How_ the _hell_ did you know about _that!_ " Lana hissed back at him, furious.

"Lois said something about it when I was over at the farm," and at Lana's reaction to _that_ Lex felt his shoulders tense up.

"Why were you over there," Lana said dangerously.

Lex clenched and unclenched his jaw. "Because Clark has been haunting--"

"It was a figure of speech!" she yelled out.

"-- _me!_ " Lex yelled back, throwing his hands up in the air. "All right? He was haunting _me!_ "

"So you went over there to, what, try and get it out of your system by seeing him?" Lana scoffed, crossing her arms and looking at him judgmentally.

"No, Lana," Lex said, thoroughly annoyed. "I mean he was _actually haunting me_. Because something you told Chloe, that I said to you, that then got misinterpreted by her, he found out about and then he decided to _actually haunt me_. In the library. Whenever you weren't around, somehow," he informed her, because he couldn't exactly lie about this. Not that he wanted to protect Clark from the consequences of other people knowing this, because this? _This had been the final straw._

"Don't be ridiculous," Lana told him.

" _I'm not making this up!_ " Lex yelled, stomping over to the dresser, pulling open a drawer, then reaching in and chucking the bottle of sleeping pills onto the bed. "Up until I confronted him about it, he was doing it every day!" He stomped away, pacing. "I haven't been able to sleep!" he told her, pointing at the pills as he paced back and forth, agitated as hell. "And he made it that much worse! I'd wear myself out in the gym trying to show myself that the strength-- that _nothing_ was coming back. _I'd thought that Zod had been doing something!_ That he was still-- still--" he said, and had to bite his lip to stop shouting, because he was starting to get truly hysterical.

Instead, he stood there shaking like a leaf, clenching his hands around his own arms hard enough to leave bruises.

Lana stood there and stared at him.

"Clark wouldn't do something like that," Lana said slowly. "Even if he could."

"Well, he _can_ and he _did_ , Lana," Lex forced out angrily, hating how his voice shook as he said it. "And the only time he stopped doing it was when I was around _you_."

Her eyes narrowed. "And when you were around your new friends."

Lex ran a hand over his face. "No, I only started meeting and talking with them after I confronted Clark about it and it finally stopped," Lex corrected her, his words coming out in stacatto measure. Or, at least the attacks had stopped. "And, like I told you, he only did it to me in the library during the workday."

"You left out that last part before," Lana said coldly.

"Well, I'm sorry," Lex ground out, not so very sorry as he likely should have been about it. But. "It's only been about a month or so since he stopped, and I'm still feeling somewhat traumatized by the whole thing." _Along with the **other** whole thing,_ but that should have gone without saying.

The guilt and insomnia left in the wake of Zod's possession were still an issue. But, compared to what Clark had been inflicting on him, and what his imagination-fueled paranoia had supplied him with before he'd known any better... What he was still left dealing with after Clark had stopped was now practically a relaxing vacation by comparison.

"Did he say he did it?" Lana asked him.

Lex huffed out a quiet almost-offended breath. "When does Clark ever confess to having anything to do with anything?" he told her bitterly, too angry and upset to maintain the 'oh no, there's nothing odd at all about Clark Kent' facade like he usually did, with her and everyone else.

"So you don't know," Lana said.

"Either he did it, or he knew who was and finally got off his ass and made them stop," Lex said, and at the moment he didn't particularly care which it had been, because even if it was the second one -- which it _wasn't_ , it _had_ been Clark, dammit! -- he doubted Clark would have stepped in and done anything if Lex hadn't explicitly gone over there and called him on it. And that made him culpable by extension, because good men didn't just stand by and do nothing when they saw shit going down like that, and it really made Lex wonder -- when had he _ever_ thought Clark was a good man?

 _The riverbank, Club Zero, various other kidnappings, right,_ Lex thought wearily, looking away and scrubbing his hands over his face again. He was reminded of one of the many multitudinous of reasons he didn't normally think on this sort of think very often: it was fucking depressing.

"So you don't know," Lana repeated. "And you didn't say anything to me about it until just now." Her eyes narrowed. "Even though you were afraid it was Zod again."

Lex didn't say anything. He had no answer to that.

Lana crossed her arms and looked at him.

"What are you going to do about the guys," she said neutrally, changing the subject.

"Tell them that I'm flattered but not interested," Lex said, because really, what else could he do?

"That's not enough, Lex," she told him.

"I don't want a threesome with anyone," he told Lana bluntly, "Let alone several. Do you?"

"No!" she said.

"Then that should be enough!" Lex told her. "Clearly they've gotten the wrong idea somehow! So, I'll just..." he shook his head, "apologize and explain, and we'll see where things go from there."

"No, we won't," Lana said adamantly. "You'll stop talking with them."

"It's a miscommunication, Lana," he told her. "If they don't want to talk with me afterwards anymore because I'm not interested, and _you're_ not interested, then, well..." and suddenly Lex had a flash of uncertainty and weird emotion that made him feel rather nervous. And, after he'd worked at trying to identify it for a bit...

He wondered if it was the same sort of feeling that a woman with large breasts might feel in the company of strange men, when for the first time they began to wonder, with a growing sickness in their gut, and then a dawning horror, if the only reason that those men had spent any time being nice to her and listening to her _at all_ was because she had big breasts, and because they wanted to fuck her. That it might not have anything really to do with her, or her thoughts and her mind at all.

Because Lex might not a woman, and his usual assets weren't what he'd consider 'noteworthy', but apparently he spent a lot of time in the presence of a group of men who would really like to fuck him -- or fuck with him, because _planned orgies_ \-- very, very much.

He had a moment of brief despair, because he really didn't want to lose his talking-friends over this, but if it were true, and they weren't all right with his desire for... purely **platonic** company and conversation only...

He hadn't realized how much he'd come to value their company until just now, confronted with the possibility of losing it altogether.

Oh god, this might really, really hurt. **A lot.**

"I..." he swallowed, hard. "I think that they at least deserve a chance to explain..." Lex said weakly, and that one had been truly difficult to even think, if not outright painful. But the alternative? Would probably feel even worse.

And it wasn't like they'd done anything _yet_. It wasn't a betrayal _yet_. ...Right? So if they just explained--

"They explained it to me," Lana informed him tersely. "They think you're bisexual, and that you just don't know it yet."

Lex stared at her, and felt his jaw drop for a moment in complete and utter disbelief.

"-- _What?_ "

Lana looked like she was on her last bit of patience. "They took a straw poll and decided that you were bisexual, Lex," she told him. "They thought you were either gay or bisexual, and decided on bisexual."

Lex closed his eyes and just breathed for a few long moments. _**They** decided,_ Lex thought hysterically. _Right._

"Lana," he said levelly. "I don't know if you know this, but that's. **not.** how. it. works."

"Because you're _so sure_ you're not bisexual," he heard her say, and he opened his eyes to stare at her.

"No, Lana," he said. "I'm not. I'm straight."

And Lana stood there and _looked at him like she didn't believe him!_

Lex drew in a quick shocked breath. "Lana, I know my own sexual orientation!" he protested, and how in the hell was this his life?

 _Smallville. Right._ He mentally snorted, but it wasn't funny. Not in the _least_.

"Lex, I have _seen you with them!_ " Lana exploded. "I've seen you with them, and _I've seen you with Clark!!_ "

 _Must. Kill. Chloe._ Because _she_ was the one who put this idea of him being bisexual into Lana's head, must be.

"I don't have any feelings for--" Lex had to stop, because, technically, _yes_ , he _did_ have a lot of feelings for, to, around, with, and _involving_ one Clark Kent, but-- "I don't want to have a relationship with him." Which was true, true, and more true. In fact, he'd been trying to do the exact opposite for the last several months now, trying to _break off_ all relations with Clark whatsoever.

"But you _do_ care about him," Lana pointed out angrily.

"So do you," Lex pointed out just as angrily, "But **not** in the way **you're** implying," he continued darkly.

Lana rocked back as if struck. "For god's sake, Lex!" she shouted at him, throwing her purse onto the bed, hard. "Just admit that you want to fuck him!"

"I don't," Lex told her grimly.

"Lex!!"

"Damn it, Lana!" Lex shouted back at her. "I'll telling you I don't!" And because he was an idiot who couldn't leave well enough alone... "Though if I _did_ want to fuck Clark Kent -- believe me, you'd be the first to know," Lex told her thinly.

"Even before _you_ did?" Lana shot back, "Isn't that the whole point?!" and Lex gritted his teeth.

" _Fine_ ," he said tersely. "You'd be the _second_ to know."

"After you were done with him?" and Lex struggled as he felt a wave of anger rise up fit to strangle him where he stood.

He ended up storming away from her and kicking over a chair. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME!!" he shouted at her, then stood there panting. "I-- _**I don't know what you want**_ ," because he couldn't fix this, he had _no idea_ how to fix this.

Lana stood there and just stared at him.

"What do you want me to do," Lex said quietly.

"You want to know what to do," Lana stated flatly.

" _What do you want me to do_ , Lana," Lex all-but-begged her, feeling wrung out and worse.

And what Lana told him was:

"Go and have sex with Clark."

Lex blanked out for a moment.

And then he stared at her.

She glared at him right back.

He tried to swallow around a dry tongue in a suddenly-dry mouth.

"That's your ultimatum," he said, almost stumbling over the words, feeling sick and almost dizzy, with a strange buzzing noise in his skull. "To go sleep--"

"Have sex with," Lana tersely corrected him.

Lex shut his eyes, breathed, then opened them again. It was painful to do. All of it.

"Go have sex with Clark Kent," he repeated, in almost-level, hollowed-out tones.

"Yes."

He tried to swallow again. " _Why._ "

"I want you to get it out of your system," she said, as if he had some kind of disease that would be solved by fucking one Clark Kent -- problem solved, hurray! -- "and get it over with." As if sex was supposed to be something one _got over_.

"Right," Lex said almost hoarsely.

"And if you like it, then don't come back," she said coldly.

"...Right," Lex repeated, feeling almost faint.

And he turned and walked out of their -- her -- bedroom, leaving Lana behind.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Somebody banged on the farmhouse door until Clark came down the stairs and opened it.

Clark stared at the guy who had been making all the racket blearily, hair akimbo, in just his boxers and a nightshirt. No socks.

Because it was eleven o'clock at night, he'd only just gotten to bed at nine, and he'd been woken up out of a sound sleep when had to be up again at five a.m. for chores. Whoever it was could take him as he was.

When he finally recognized Lex through the sleep-deprivation, he tried to close the door again.

Lex stuck his foot in the door.

Clark debated shoving the door closed anyway, then reminded himself that Lex was the Evil One (not him), and didn't.

Plus, Lex would probably start screaming over half his missing toes, and Clark wouldn't be able to fall back asleep, anyway, because of it.

"Lex, it's eleven o'clock at night," Clark told him, frowning at him through the crack.

Lex stood there and glared at him.

"Fine," Clark said wearily, too tired to argue. He opened the door again and leaned against it. "What do you want."

"It's not what I want," Lex said. "It's what Lana wants."

Clark blinked at him, hard. "Okay..." Clark said, not sure where this was going, but if it was Lana who wanted something, he should probably hear Lex out. Maybe it was an emergency or something.

"Why are you here?" Clark tried instead.

"I am here to fuck your brains out," Lex told him.

Clark stared at him.

"Lex, it's eleven o'clock at night," Clark repeated. Slowly.

Lex paused for a moment.

"I'm sorry," he said. "You're right."

Then Lex said, "I am here to make sweet love to you but once upon this gentle night, as I whisper fond nothings in your ear," and then apparently the bullshit was too much even for him, because then he said, "and then you'll never have to see me again."

Clark stared at him.

"Are you high?" Clark asked him.

"No," said Lex, looking like he probably _wished_ he was high. If he wasn't high. Which he probably was.

"I'm pretty sure you're high," Clark told him, reaching out a hand to try and take his temperature.

Lex leaned away from him, so Clark had to reach out and grab him by the shoulder to hold him in place with one hand, while putting his palm against Lex's forehead with the other.

"You're warm, and this is not an auspicious start to this evening's moonlight affair," Lex told him after a couple seconds of Clark realizing that this wasn't working; he had no idea what the hell Lex's temperature was.

Clark sighed and removed his hand. It had been worth a try.

"Can I at least come inside?" said Lex.

Clark thought about it. If Lex was high, and Clark said no, then Lex would either: try to get inside anyway; hide out in the barn; go away.

If Lex chose to go away, then that would probably involve driving, which would probably end badly, since Clark was pretty sure that he was high. And Clark didn't exactly want Lex _dead_ , so...

Clark sighed again. "Fine," he said, opening the door to let him in.

Lex walked in.

Clark closed the door. "You're not going to try and kill me in my sleep or something, are you?" he asked, just for completeness.

"Do you want me to?" Lex asked him.

"Not really," Clark yawned, and scratched at the back of his neck. He already had enough alien Zoner freaks in his life trying to do that. He didn't need Lex tossing his whatever in the ring with them, too.

"Okay, then," Lex said.

Clark thought about that for a couple seconds. Then he mentally shrugged. It was good enough for him.

Lex looked around the dark living room. Or tried to.

He flicked on a light and Clark winced.

Clark rubbed at his eyes, trying not to grumble about it, and said, "This is payback or something for the whole 'it was you doing haunting things' thing, isn't it," without admitting guilt or responsibility for ghosting Lex for ages, because he could. Get away with it. Because Lex couldn't, didn't, and hadn't proved it was him. And he never would.

Not that Lex, being Really Very Evil, hadn't totally deserved it or anything. Even if Clark hadn't figured _how_ talking on the phone all day to lots of people in several different languages somehow translated into Pure Evil, yet. He guessed he'd figure it out eventually, if and when he had to.

"Because you, waking me up in the middle of the night and stealing my couch and saying you want sex sounds kind of like you're now trying to haunt me back. Or really high on meteor rock or something." Which was, admittedly, kind of surreal no matter how Clark looked at it.

"Are you saying no to the sex?" Lex asked him, not really paying attention to him as he rummaged around for blankets for the couch.

"Yes," said Clark.

Lex paused and looked up at him blankly, if not a little fearfully.

Clark rewound the last couple seconds of the conversation. "Yes, I am saying no to the sex," Clark clarified. "Are you _sure_ you're not high?" he asked again.

"Yes, I'm not high."

"On anything?"

"I'm not high, Clark."

"Are you drunk?"

"No, I'm not drunk."

Yeah, Clark hadn't thought so. Lex didn't act like this when he was drunk.

Clark stood there and watched Lex get back to what he'd been doing, and then bed down for the night.

"Why aren't you sleeping at the mansion?" Clark asked him. "Don't you have a lot of rooms over there? With actual beds?"

"I kicked myself out of the mansion for the night," Lex told him. "Lana's orders."

 _Right._ Clark probably, _really_ didn't want to know the details of that. But he didn't exactly understand how that translated into Lex coming over _here_.

He opened his mouth to ask Lex if this _really_ was the only place where he could go to crash on somebody's couch, then realized that that was a really stupid question and closed it again.

Clark stood there and knew that he was just too tired to deal with this, and decided to call it a night. Again.

"I'm going back to sleep now," he told Lex, pointing a thumb back towards the stairs.

"Okay," said Lex, as he tried to get comfortable.

And, because he didn't hate Lex nearly as much as he probably should by now... "You really should face the other way if you're gonna sleep on that couch," Clark warned him. "With your head towards the front windows, and not--"

"--This is fine," Lex cut him off.

Clark stood there for a moment and thought about whether the argument was worth it. At eleven o'clock at night.

...Eh, whatever. It'd serve Lex right for not listening to him, anyway. And being all Evil And Stuff.

Clark turned away to go back upstairs, and flicked off the light as he went.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The door to the farmhouse slammed open. Huh. So apparently _somebody_ still had a key...

There were footsteps, and then...

"What are you doing here?" Lana said angrily, staring down at Lex, who was lounging across the living room couch while Clark was in the kitchen making eggs.

She glanced up at Clark, then glowered down at Lex.

"Oh," she said dangerously, "You _**did not.**_ "

Lex looked up at her and got a slow smile.

"Yes, I did. I very, very did," he said, slitting his eyes closed and stretching luxuriously in place.

"He slept on the couch," Clark offered from the kitchen, as if it wasn't obvious.

"Yes, I slept on the couch," Lex said, "after making sweet, sweet love to Kent here, all over these cushions," Lex added, patting them.

"No, we didn't."

"Fast, furious lovemaking, right here," said Lex.

"No."

"Fine, fine, it was _mostly_ slow and luxurious, **I don't think he wants to admit his passion for me** ," Lex ended in a loud whisper.

"I was asleep, upstairs, in my own bedroom last night, possibly snoring."

" _Delicate_ , _delicate_ snoring, my cheerful morning butterfly who is making breakfast for me as we speak," Lex said, glancing backwards over his head at Clark, who was still in the kitchen messing around.

"I've been up for two hours already, I'm making brunch, not breakfast, and it's for _me_. **You** can afford to **buy** your own breakfast someplace else," Clark said authoritatively, as he turned around and opened up the fridge, grabbing some milk and setting it down on the table with a thump.

"Our love is pure and neverending," he told Lana, placing a hand over his heart. "He does not wish to sully it with traditional gender roles."

"Shut up, my dad totally knew how to cook, too."

"It's a family tradition," Lex deadpanned.

"Oh, for--" Clark said with disgust and an accompanying eyeroll.

Lana crossed her arms and looked down at Lex.

"Heated lovemaking; he's really quite talented," Lex said, then reached a hand behind and under him and gave her a grimace. "Actually, I think my back might be a little sore from all the--"

"I told you, you were sleeping on the cushions wrong," Clark called out.

"--loads and loads of sex we had."

"We did not."

"Honestly, I thought that that whole thing about farmboys with no refraction was a myth?" Lex began conspiratorilly. "But--"

"Look, I don't know what he's still high on, but could you please get him out of here?"

"Oh, honey, how could you say such horrible things!" he called over the edge of the couch at Clark. "I am never, ever leaving," Lex promised Lana. "Why, after one blissful night with Clark Kent, I just could not think of doing without all the loads and loads of glorious sex we had, ever again."

"There was no sex."

"I would feel deprived," Lex continued. "A shadow of myself, really. Depressed, even."

"No sex at all, of any kind."

"He lies," Lex said to Lana with a perfectly straight face.

Clark let out a loud, long-suffering sigh, then himself sat down at the table to eat his breakfast.

For a few long moments, Lana stared down at Lex where he lay on the couch.

Then she reached down and picked up a newspaper off of the coffee table.

And smacked Lex in the face with it.

"Get up and come out to the car," Lana told Lex imperially, turning around and heading for the front door.

"Why?" Lex asked, sitting up and picking the newspaper up off of his face, before dropping it back onto the coffee table. "I _like_ it here. Also: sex."

Lana turned around, standing by the front door. " _Lex!_ " she said hotly.

"...Yes?" said Lex, laying back down and lacing his fingers together over his chest.

Lana stomped back over. "I am not going to have this argument with you _here_ ," she stressed.

"But Lana," Lex said oh-so-innocently. "What if you say something hurtful and I long for the strong, yet gentle embrace of Clark's arms to take all the sad, sad pain away?"

Lana glowered down at him and crossed her arms again.

She took in a deep breath and let it out again in a huff.

"I'm sorry I got angry at you and told you you had to go and have sex with Clark, okay?" she told him exasperatedly.

"Wait..." Clark put down his fork. "What? That was actually a thing? That happened?"

"I'm not," Lex said sweetly, batting his eyelashes at her. "We had a _wonderful_ time last night," he told her.

"You mean Lex didn't just make that up?" Clark continued to ask, sounding alarmed all of a sudden.

Lana and Lex both ignored him.

"Why did you come over here last night, Lex?" Lana asked him point-blank. "Did you really think that he'd actually do it?"

Lex sighed and finally dropped the act. "Actually, I was planning on getting in a fight with him and ending up in jail," Lex said blandly. "Clark proved uncooperative on that account."

"Hey!"

"I'm not sorry," Lex added, still looking at Lana.

"Lex..." Lana sighed.

"Okay, look -- could you guys maybe take this fight elsewhere, please?" Clark begged. "I got woken up at eleven o'clock last night, and I had trouble getting back to sleep again. And I'm trying to eat. And I have _work_ later."

"Lex, let's go," Lana said, holding out a hand to him.

Lex sighed, then took her hand and let he help him up off of the couch.

They walked out together.

"Thank you!" Clark called out, probably to Lana, as the front door slammed closed behind them.

"Actually, I really think I did do something to my back," Lex said, wincing and rubbing at it. "That couch just isn't right..."

Lana stifled a laugh, then looked almost angry at herself for having to do so. "I'm still mad at you," she told him, tossing him a light glare.

"Well, to be honest, I'm a little mad at _you_ ," Lex admitted. "I still don't know why you think I'm going to leave you. Even if I _was_ bisexual, well -- it still doesn't make any sense to me."

Lana sighed. "I guess I was more worried that you're gay than bi," she told him.

Lex stopped walking. "Am I--" He felt a little flutter of worry in his lower abdomen. "Do you not enjoy--?"

"Oh!" Lana said. "No! I really do like it when we," she made a hand gesture between them.

Lex relaxed immediately. "Well, so do I," he said. "Very much so," he smiled.

"But--"

"Lana." He put a hand to her lips. "I am fairly sure that gay guys do not enjoy sex with women. Ever. Okay?"

Lana colored slightly.

"All right," she said. Then she looked up at him. "But do you really not find Clark attractive at all?"

"What?" Lex blinked down at her.

"You heard me," Lana said, eyes flashing.

"I-- that--" Lex felt himself beginning to flush at the question, and tried to recompose himself. "You do know that he's tried to kick me off the property at least twice now, right?"

Lana kept up the stare.

"His personality is horrid," Lex said, by which he meant: "He lies all the time, and he hates me. We don't get along _at all_ anymore, and--"

" _Lex_."

"--yes, okay? I can freely admit that he is somewhat aesthetically pleasing, but--"

" _Aesthetically pleasing?_ " Lana repeated, and Lex winced.

"Like a picture. Painting. Statues. ...Classical greek sculpture in marble?" Why did it feel like he was digging a hole for himself?

...probably because Lana looked more than a little annoyed with him, now?

"I am allowed to find certain famous works of art, and people with bodytypes that are similar to them, aesthetically pleasant to look at," Lex said adamantly, sliding his hands into his pockets, because there was no way in hell he was giving up his interest in Greek and Roman architecture and art just because Clark Kent was annoying at times.

Lana stared at him.

"Just because he looks pretty doesn't mean I want to fuck him," Lex said as plainly as he could.

"And has nice hair," Lana said, and, christ, he was going to be paying for that one forever, wasn't he?

"Yes. His very nice hair just isn't enough to do it for me," Lex told her dryly. "Sorry."

"Do you think that _I_ am aesthetically pleasant to look at?" Lana asked him.

"...Well, no," Lex said. "You're beautiful." Because that sounded like a dangerous question and, frankly, 'aesthetically pleasant' just didn't cover it.

"Would you feel the same way about me if I wasn't?"

Lex blinked at her, because _what?_

Lana's eyes narrowed. "Would you have paid any attention to me if I wasn't 'pretty'?"

 _That was not what I said,_ but he winced because the first time he'd 'met' her, he'd been sixteen, she ten, and he'd been swimming in a pool with another woman. Naked. And the second time he'd had any real dealings with her had been at Clark's request; the Talon. He didn't really count their encounter in the barn at the Potter horse farm, or any other time inbetween that, because...

...he'd been there for Clark, not her. And her being her had just been incidental.

"The reasons I had for paying attention to you had nothing to do with what you look like," Lex could say with perfect honesty. "Not at first."

"Not at first?" Lana said dubiously.

"Well, it might have had something to do with the second glance I took later, thought the third one was just for fun," Lex said, with a slight smile, as he reached up to cup her cheek.

Lana titled her head away from his touch. Not playfully, but not exactly angry, either.

"Lana," he sighed, dropping back to being serious again. "What do you want me to say? I've never cheated on anyone before, and I'm not about to start with you," he told her.

"You haven't cheated on anyone before because everyone before was a one-night stand," she said, looking away from him and crossing her arms.

"Except for the two times I was married," Lex said quietly, then took in a breath. "And Victoria Hardwick."

Lana glanced over at him.

"It's not like I particularly _want_ to be talking about them with you ...or with anyone else," Lex added just as quietly. "But if there's one thing I can say about myself that I'm not ashamed of, it's that I don't cheat on the woman I'm with."

"Nice to know you'd break up with me first, before kicking me out of the mansion and out of your life," Lana said slowly, giving him a long look.

"Lana." Lex licked his lips carefully. "I do not want to break up with you." _Ever._ "And as you may have noticed, I was the one who left the mansion last night, not you."

"Actually, I spent the night with Chloe and Lois," Lana said, dropping her arms to her sides.

"What?" he said startled. Then, an idea began to form.

Lex huffed out a breath. "Really? You spent the night over there?"

Lana frowned at him.

"Honestly, I don't like it that you were spending so much time with those two," Lex said, sounding as offended as he could.

"What?" Lana said.

Lex crossed his arms and adopted a look of mistrust. "I mean, how do I know that they didn't turn you into a lesbian overnight?" he said, glowering down at her from a height.

Lana's mouth dropped.

"You could be an _overnight lesbian_ , Lana," he insisted, looking her over suspiciously.

Then Lana pushed her lips together and smacked him in the arm.

Lex lost the facade and grinned at her.

"It's not funny!" Lana demanded, as Lex tried not to laugh.

"It's a _little_ funny," Lex said. "It's the same thing you've been doing to me," he pointed out, a lot more soberly.

It brought Lana up short. "That's **not--** " Her brow furrowed as she worked through it, and suddenly she looked caught between complete offense and total embarrassment.

"Lana," he said, letting her off the hook, "I know I'm not as 'pretty' as Clark, but I do try to believe that you want me for things other than my good looks, or lack thereof," he told her, running a hand over his head. _Hopefully beyond my money, power, and resource,_ but given that she'd stuck with him through what had happened with Zod and even the bloody aftermath, he had a feeling that she did. That what they had was something _more_ , and...

"And I hope that you like me for more than my nice hair, which I let you wash sometimes," Lana said cagely, but the look she tossed him over her shoulder was pure flirtation.

Lex felt slightly startled, because when had he ever gotten to wash her hair for her?

Then he got a slow smile.

"Get in the car, Lex," she said, rolling her eyes at him as she slid into the driver's seat of the Maserati.

"Yes, _**ma'am**_ ," Lex said, trying to stifle a grin as he did just that.

~*~*~*~*~*~


End file.
